freaking week

I want to freak out! Arrgggghhhhh!

trying to be cool

I haven't blog lately, there's so much things to write here but I don't have the strength to do it. This morning I decided to pack my things... tomorrow, I am leaving the office. Quite hard though I know I have to do it.. I can't do anything with it... unless I will leave my work... but whenever I see my boss... geeeezzzz, I just can't do it. There are times that she makes me freak out, though at times like this, I can't leave her. Haaaaay!

I'll stop writing na....hmp!

unproductive day

This is so unproductive day... I did nothing at work, though I've got a lot to do. I can't write... not in the mood. *sigh* Nothing special for this day... though at lunch time I was so hungry... I didn't eat on time... I took my lunch at 3pm... Albert let me wait for almost an hour before telling me he cant take lunch with me, so I decided no to eat for I don't have time anymore.

Plus.. my shoulders are really aching... then I asked kuya to fetch me for I have to bring home a box full of soaps, lotions, beauty products and shirts... courtesy of........ hehehe.

that's all I guess...

ohhh... I need to take home my work too... I've got so many stories to write. *sigh*

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!

teary day

DUNNO if I'm going to curse this day. Everybody here at work is crying... I am teary eyed, I don't want to burst out, I am holding up my tears. I should be strong or I will not finish anything today. Honestly, ngayon pa lang ayaw ko na magtrabaho, but my deadline is coming so fast. Yesterday, when I talked with my boss, I was teary eyed... did my very best not to let my tears fall down. This morning when we had a meeting, she told them almost everything she told me... except for the person who's to blame. She said, she doesn't want to blame anyone anymore, of course that person have friends within the editorial department. The company is closing down. But still, our boss did her very best not to let the employees lose their job, particularly with the editorial; MMPI, one of the biggest publication companies in the country, will absorb the three magazines. I, as the editor in chief of the newspaper will be moved to the other company reporting directly to my boss and to Japan. Since Monday, everyone here at work is telling me that, I am the only one who's future in this work is still good, that I need not to worry because I will never lose this job... well, maybe they are right- I agree with them too. But I really don't care if I'm going to lose this job, I can always find a better one... God never left my side, that's why I am so thankful to Him. I know, He has a positive reason in everything that is happening. Maybe God, did everything for me to get this position, for there will come a time that this thing will happen. As what I have said months ago, I don't want to plan ahead anymore... I'm just going with the flow and holding on to God's plan, by doing that, I will never miss the right way. I know it's not the end of the world... challenges in our lives comes.. but God always walk with us and help us fight for better days coming in our lives.

I am sad... because I'm going to miss them.



This photo was taken last October 22, 2005 at The Garden of SM North EDSA. 5th Anniversary of GPEC

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4:25pm

I saw something at Friendster's Bulletin Board... I remember Carlo, then something echoed in my mind... "I've seen it in my dreams baby, your company will close and I saw you will be here with me". Carlo has the power to see things that will happen in the future, he told me that thing almost a year ago... May of 2005 to be exact. It did happen... we will be closing... but it doesn't mean I will lose my job. And I don't have any reason to be with him. So, I guess the first presentiment is true... and the second is just a dream.

adik!

Im getting loko with html.... argggggghhhh! my head is aching. Im done and all I need is to contact my webhost. I'm going to pay for it. Im so so excited to upload it but I have to finnish first my deadline.

Im so tired. I surpervised three examinees the whole day... good thing I found the right one for my newspaper, I just hope we will get along. I really want to write here every detail of my day particularly with the examinees but I am really tired. All I can say is that-- hindi dahil guwapo, may laman ang utak... hmp!

Gotta go... it's almost 7pm.

its monday!

TODAY is Monday the 13th. I thought I'm going to have again my Monday sickness... tamad bumangon at gusto matulog buong maghapon. hehehe. I slept this morning around 2 am... pinuyat kasi ako ng Starstruck... di naman nanalo bet ko! Kung andun ako, sisigaw ako ng LUTO!!!!!!!!!!!! Kahit nasa Press area pa ako...unfair talaga! Hmp! Because I was so tired yesterday and I watched StarStruck, I woke up around 8am this morning, and I was saying " Kuya, 8 am na!". Imagine, 9 am ang pasok ko at kakagising ko lang...I tried my very best to leave my bed for I remember that I have an examinee at 10 am then we might have a meeting at 9 am... *rush rush rush*. Of course... I took the cab... and am 12minutes late! Har har har!

---

Since I wasn't able to blog last Saturday and Sunday.. am gonna write them down here:

Saturday, March 11th

Since I've got no work, I woke up a bit late... 9:30am, then I remember that I have a 10am appointment with my Dentist... actually she is not really my Dentist, she's my kuya's friend. I took my breakfast, brushed my teeth, washed my face and changed my clothes... I decided to take a bath after my Dental appointment. I was quite worried coz we will be late, good thing she texted kuya that she will be late. We reached the clinic few minutes earlier than her. When she checked my teeth, she was amazed with a comment "Wow! Ganda ng mga ipin mo! Alaga, o".. I thought she was only kidding for I haven't visited my Dentist in province for 6 years I guess... I wasn't able to go back to her to check one of my aching tooth which is due for pasta. And that's also the reason why I asked kuya to bring me to his friend. Then, the Dentist commented "wala naman akong makitang sira sa inaangal mo". So I asked her if I need an OB or cleaning.. and she said "puwede, but not really, ok naman ang linis ng mga ipin mo eh", so I reacted that eversince I never had a cleaning and whenever I an asking for that, my dentist then will say "hindi mo kailangan ng cleaning". My dentist when I was in college and my new dentist have the same views about my teeth. They just can't believe that my white pasta's color are all good. Thank God, I had the best dentist when I was in highschool.. uhmmm maybe she also cleans my teeth, though I don't know. The new Dentist, had a hard time with my tooth, she tried to find something in my tooth. He he he.

Later at night, I heard Dad and Mom talking if they will get me a pc unit... yehey! I told myself. I really want to have my own, that's why I want to buy a laptop...hehehe.

---

Sunday, March 12th

8:30am, I still feel sleepy but I have to get up to cook our breakfast, then I did my laundry.. it took me half of the day to finnish for I wasn't able to washed the laundry last week because I was sick. Then mom told me that she will be bringing home a pc unit but she doesn't know where to put it.. so I said, "maluwag sa kuwarto ko" with a huge smile.. hehehe... then mom said, "siguraduhin mo lang na ang paggamit eh nasa ayos hindi yung aksayado sa kuryente"... then I smiled at her.... weeeeee! I can't wait for my pc! Sana hindi ma- jinx! Kailangan sobrang bait ako ngayon sa house.... har har har!

Later at night, I iron our clothes, Dad, Mom, mine and my little cuz's uniforms.... sakit na ng katawan ko pero all smile pa din... siyempre magkakaroon ako ng pc.... bwahahaha! Then pinuyat ako ng Starstruck... hmp!

Yun lang po weekend ko!

my habit, my love life and my dream

Clauds was asking who si HABIT.... and Thinz is also asking who is DREAM hehehe

Sino nga ba si HABIT sa buhay ko?

I met HABIT when I was 7 years old... that's 18 years ago. He is not my bestfriend, for I don't tell him anything about my life... but since his family is close with mine... he knows almost everything except my own world. Since the day I met him, he never left my side. He's always there whenever I need him. In our parents view... we are playmates. When I am about to turn 9... mom decided to go home to province and help my lola and auntie to manage our family business. I can only see him during summer vacation when I am here in Manila. We grew up separate with each other. Then, college came so fast... without my knowledge, he was really waiting for that time to come. He knew I will took my college here in Manila. Ganun pa rin sya, laging andyan whenever I need him. He got a girlfriend at that time, and I really hate that girl! For there are times that he needs to fetch me and he can't come because the girl won't allow him... well, thanks to Kuya... he's just a phone call away. Anong gagawin ko? NONE. I am not his girlfriend, kaya wala akong karapatang umangal. Few more months and we became more close with each other... he's like my boyfriend but not really. He told me he wanted to be with me and leave that annoying girl. He became my bf-- illegally! Hindi alam sa bahay at ng mga kaibigan ko... except for Jack... From then on, my life became miserable. I learned that he is still with that girl and I said goodbye to him for how many times. Then my kuya died... He was there when I am in pain... helped me whenever he could without me asking anything from him.. he just give me whatever he think is right for me. Sunod lang ako ng sunod sa kanya. But the sad part of that, anjan pa rin yung girl. He broke up with her for so many times but I do not know why he can't do anything whenever the girl begs him to go back to her life... I got tired pushing him away from me for he keeps on coming back without asking anything in return....years passed and I finished college. I made a firm decision that I will take him out of my life. I accepted suitors... when he learned about that... he said goodbye to that girl-- for good! But since I was in pain for four years with him... it never brought back my feelings for him. Few months after my graduation... I got a new boyfriend, but still he stayed at my side... trying to fix things between us. After three months... I said goodbye to my bf.... I learned that he is not worth my time... HABIT was so happy knowing that, he thought I will go back to him. But I didn't... though he's still at my side. Two years have passed. Then, I got tired of him... I asked God to send me a sign that if someone out there is really meant for me and not HABIT, someone will cross my path before my birthday... Renier came along. HABIT knew about him because I let my family know about Renier, HABIT gave up. Forgetting about the sign I asked to God, I have fallen in love with Renier-- my dearest angel. In just a short time things between Renier and I became complicated.. he left without any warning... I felt pain once again.. and HABIT rushed to my side. He tried his very best to help me forget Renier and it didn't come through. Looking for answers about what happened between me and my angel, I met a nice friend named Dennis...he calls me alugbati and I called him tsokolateng makulit, he always makes me smile, cheer me up whenever I am down. Made me see things I wasnt able to see, in his own little ways. Carlo came and made me realize all the mistakes I have done. We became best of friends, when things between us seems quite different I tried to avoid him... but he begged to me. When HABIT learned about him, he almost freaked out. He got afraid and starts to monitor me... what am I doing, sino kausap ko... sino new friends ko. A few more weeks and Carlo is still the same... I told him that its not good and I don't want to fall for him. Well... he doesn't want too. Until such time that we are already arguing about that matter... then DREAM helped me out.DREAM is just an ordinary looking guy... guwapo pa malayo si Carlo at HABIT, lamang pa ng konti si Renier... I think... hehehe. But DREAM is every girl wants to have- Responsible, Sweet, Thoughtful, Stable and most of all AVAILABLE. I lost communication with Carlo due to some reasons and he got paranoid, he thought I found someone and freaked out. He got afraid of losing me that's why he asked me if I want him to be my bf... at first I was hesitant... but I just decided to say I DO for I asked God about it. HABIT was really hurt... then he told me... "Ayaw na kitang masaktan ulit, nung makita kitang umiiyak dahil kay Renier, hindi ko kinaya... tapos si Carlo naman ngayon." Those words didn't bother me. DREAM told me also how hard it is... I didn't listen. Although I know, I still need to know how much he loves, and HABIT and DREAM is right... he didn't surpassed the trial.... HABIT was happy but a little afraid still. He knew it doesnt mean that I am going back with him. DREAM.. was silent... he didn't speak at all about that matter... he just said that it is very hard. DREAM let me move on... by myself but he's by my side. HABIT is doing everything to win me back. It's like... he wants me to feel that with him, I don't have to worry about security, that with him everything is ok. Later I learned some of the reasons why he never had the guts to tell our families about us, it's because of me. Dad (my uncle), asked him before if I have a boyfriend and I am not allowed to have one until I finish my course. That, that annoying girl threatened him that she will commit suicide, that she will let her family know that something happened between them already and that she knows about us. He is afraid of losing me. That when I finished college, he got all the strength that he needs.... and so on. Now, I understand how hard it is for HABIT to see me crying... though I cried with him for so many times before.

I learned those things last year, yet... I still want to be with DREAM. Maybe because until now, whenever I am with HABIT, I still feel like something is missing... unlike when I am with DREAM, I feel safe and nothing to worry at all.

Funny me

I was browsing somebody's friendster when I saw my ex pics...I remember that event... somebody's debut... 2 days before he killed me. Geeeeezzzzz! Those shots aren't really for him.. but he is there... I found myself saving the photos to his folder.... my face feels so hot and tears might rundown my cheeks any moment... *sigh* I told myself I shouldn't I am supervising an applicant and I should not cry.... then, I saw another pic... I have a copy of the same place where they took that shot though the difference is... my ex was looking on the camera... and on that photo... he was buttoning his polo... his pink polo... I remember...when I told him that I like guys wearing pink polo, he bought one and took a photo of that... at that time we are just plain best of friends. I was smiling.... till now, few more days... and he will be celebrating his birthday. Don't you think I am crazy... at first I want to cry then I am smiling.... funny! I guess... its all about memories... cherished and kept inside my heart.

torn

AFTER watching Close to you last night, I discovered something within me... I am torn. I am torn between a dream and a habit... should I need to make a decision soon? I don't know. At the movie... Marianne, chose her habit... Do I have to do the same?

The guy I am missing for almost a month now... is my dream... the first time I met him he already touched my heart, but I didn't bother what's inside me because I had a problem then with my bestfriend, then he came and helped me... My bestfriend became my bf, but my dream stayed at my side, guiding me and loving me with his own ways. When I lost my bf and my bestfriend.. he was there, when I decided to move on, he was with me... sometimes I can't understand him... for he utter jokes that makes me think... if that is just a joke or he really meant it. Well... in my entire life, he was the only guy who told me that he wants to be the father of my child.. (hey I'm not pregnant... we are just talking about something). That was the last talk that we had.... and that was a month ago... lately I feel like he is avoiding me... for reasons that I do not know. There are so many maybe's and but's in my mind right now...

And because, I am so depressed with what is happening this past few weeks between us... my habit, the guy who's always around me, is filling in all those emptiness... though most of the time... I am always thinking of my dream. I don't know till when I can wait... for I thought something will happen this coming summer, and since everything is going nowhere... I want to give up. Choose habit and try to be happy with him... If ever dream comes back and tell me that he loves me... had proven me.... then that will be the time that I will choose...

......... but still, I'M TORN!

Life isn't all about YOU at all

I dunno what to write here. For few days those words keeps on popping up on my head... I really dunno why.. I haven't consulted my heart and my mind for lately I was trying to catch up on things in my life and at work. I've got so many things to do right now... But I do not know where to start... and I do not know what would be the ending of this... only God... only Him.

I guess I'm also sick and tired waiting for someone... Maybe I should learn to embrace someone beside me... and try to be happy.

I am missing someone... but is he missing me too?